Dilemma
by Justine Lark
Summary: Edward and Bella have forged a compromise. But how can Edward fulfill Bella's request for a "real" honeymoon? He seeks advice from his father and brothers. A "missing scene" from Eclipse, EPOV. Includes his memory of tasting Bella's blood.
1. My Problem

_Author's Note: The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just borrowed them for fun._

* * *

"Just try," she'd said. "Please," she had begged me. Well, I had tried a lot of things for Bella's sake, but most of them hadn't worked out! I'd tried to stay away from her. I'd tried to leave her. I'd tried to prevent her from being frightened or injured. I'd tried to keep her away from Jacob Black. And I had failed miserably at all those objectives. I hadn't been able to do those things, and my botched efforts had caused both of us so much pain. What was I thinking? I'd have to talk to her again and disappoint her. Explain that as much as I desired her, we just couldn't even try what she wanted so much while she was still human. I'd have to make her understand. I could persuade her to forgive me, and maybe she'd even still marry me. I wouldn't hold her to that promise, of course...

There were so many things I wanted to give Bella! She deserved everything. I wanted to grant all of her wishes the way her presence in my life had fulfilled mine. Even when what she wanted was nothing, when she ordered me not to give her any gifts, I went along with her absurd attitude. Now the one thing she asked me for, which I'd somehow agreed to give her, was something I wasn't sure I could give. What had I gotten myself— both of us— into?

By this time, my agitation had driven me to slip carefully out of bed and begin pacing around the room. I glanced at Bella and reached over to stroke her hair as she slept. Her beauty filled me with gratitude, calm and a longing to return to the space next to her, already warm from the nearness of her body. I took a deep breath and savored her complicated, tantalizing aroma. My throat reacted powerfully, but it didn't trouble me. I leaned over and pressed my lips to her forehead. The sweet heat felt wonderful. Was there any way I could make it work?

After all, I reminded myself, _some_ of the things I'd tried were successful. Some of the things I'd tried with Bella were extremely delightful. It would be so easy to become complacent and assume that my concerns were excessive, that I'd pull off the impossible again. I let my mind fill with a vivid memory. I could remember those moments so clearly, the image was so sharp, that all the emotions I had experienced then swept through me again. The first time I had kissed Bella, so many thoughts and feelings had been swirling in my mind and body. Dizziness and raging thirst from prolonged exposure to her intoxicating scent. Giddiness and wonder from the unbelievable but incontrovertible evidence that she had seen my inhuman appearance and horrible power yet still trusted me and wanted to be close to me. Tingling from her touch on my face and hands and arms. Exhilaration from the run back to her truck. Curiosity about exploring more new sensations. Hesitation about frightening her, hurting her. Even more hesitation about pushing myself further into her life, where I didn't belong. There was only one thing to do with all of these unfamiliar but delicious feelings-- worship the one who inspired them. Show how her I cared about her, not just with words, but with my touch. _Let lips do what hands do_, I thought. Romeo was _not_ a good role model, but some of his instincts were right on target.

I was getting off track. _Think, think, think_, I told myself. My mind was bouncing from terror at the thought of harming Bella to apprehension at having to tell her that I couldn't go through with it to a warm thrill at the idea of her joy and excitement if I could hold her in my arms and not hold back anymore. Of course, I _had_ to hold back or our first night together would surely be her last night on earth. I ground my teeth together in frustration. How was I going to sort this out?

I listened to learn if any members of my family were back. If Carlisle, Jasper or Emmett were free, maybe they could advise me. Or inform me that Bella's request was out of the question. I had to talk to them tonight so that I could re-open the topic with her in the morning if necessary.

Carlisle was reading in his study. I headed down the hallway, smiling to myself at how very strange my errand was. Did boys usually go to their fathers for advice on how to make love? Surely no vampire ever had faced my particular problem. But if anyone could answer my questions, it was Carlisle. More than anyone else in the world, he understood what both humans and vampires could and couldn't do.

Carlisle heard my approach, recognized my step, and invited me to enter. _Come in, Edward. How are you?_ He smiled warmly as I sat across from his desk. _You look…excited. What has happened? _

"I have to talk to you," I said. _Yes, what is it?_ I heard his loving readiness to hear what was on my mind and continued, keeping my eyes on my hands in my lap. "Bella agreed to marry me."

_How wonderful!_ His happiness exploded immediately into the room, but I kept talking.

"But she asked for something, and I agreed, but I don't see how I can do it!"

I heard his confusion and impatient demand for further information as I paused for a moment. "She wants me to make love to her… while she's still human."

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_Author's Note: This is my first work of fan fiction and I would love to hear what you think-- good or bad!_


	2. Carlisle

Thoughts flew rapidly through Carlisle's mind as he processed my words and considered his response. I saw an image of Carlisle with Esme-- just a flash, as he quickly banished the inappropriate thoughts and tried to focus his attention on Bella and me. Of course, I'd seen memories and fantasies of this type from many people, many times, including every member of my family. I had very little first-hand experience but loads of second-hand information. Could my predicament be any more bizarre?

If only I could be with Bella and not be on guard against the fragility of her body! My need for her felt so overwhelming that I knew I'd never want to stop making love to her. But she was human. She had to sleep, to eat, and to be shielded from my superhuman strength. I hated the thought of risking her soft skin, her heartbeat, her blood, so alive with fragrance, her fascinating mind, her precious soul. As for potentially _losing_ those things, I couldn't even think about it. I buried my head in my hands as I fell back into the old tug-of-war between what I wanted and what was best, right, safe.

Meanwhile, Carlisle reflected on the extensive damage Rose and Emmett had done over the years and contrasted the wreckage with the injuries he'd treated Bella for. Finally, he spoke.

"Edward, this is wonderful news. You know that Bella is already a daughter to us. We've been hoping....But!" His tone of voice abruptly changed, and my head came up so that I could look at his expression. "This other matter is very serious."

I knew he was speaking out loud so that he could choose his words carefully. He wanted me to attend to the polished version of his thoughts, not the unedited stream that I had access to. I nodded.

"It will be very dangerous for Bella."

"But you think it's possible?" I had intended to listen quietly to whatever he had to say, but my question burst out as wild hope surged through me.

"Look at what you've already done, son," he replied.

The hope crumbled as I thought of the danger, the pain, the anguish I'd brought to her life, but he was shaking his head.

"Edward," he continued, "so many times she could have died and every time you were strong enough, fast enough, careful enough to save her. I know how hard it was in the beginning for you to be near her without taking her life and her blood. At first you had to stay hundreds of miles away! But in Phoenix you drank her blood and yet you stopped. I'm so proud of you."

It was my turn to shake my head. I didn't deserve his praise.

"I think you can handle it, Edward," Carlisle said firmly. His thoughts were confident. _I know you can. To let your instincts take over, but still rule them. To give in to sensation, but remain in control. You've done it before, out of love for her._

Yes, I had done the impossible, but I didn't know how I had managed. Should I put Bella's life in jeopardy and count on another miracle? And for what? In Phoenix something had to be done. Now, it was entirely unnecessary—except that Bella, who never asked for anything for herself, who flatly refused so many things I wanted to give her, inexplicably wanted this. I could see her eyes gazing at me, brimming with love and happiness. Incredibly, she wanted _me._

"I want to believe you," I began. I paused, and Carlisle waited patiently for me to sort through my thoughts. "I don't even know what to ask!" My frustration and desperation boiled over.

_It's all new for you._ Carlisle smiled fondly as he reassured me. _I understand. I'll help you with anything you want to know. You know I won't hide anything… even if I could._

"Carlisle," I said. "You are the best father I could ever imagine."

His unspoken, pleased reaction provoked a twinge of guilt. I knew how much Carlisle and Esme cared about me and about my siblings and Bella, because I heard them all the time, thinking about each of us with so much attention and affection. But for them to know how I felt, I had to show it, and I really should do so more often. I felt an amazing sense of security knowing that I had his love and support. He could help me prepare for this extraordinary experience and responsibility.

"What is it like? What should I expect? I've seen thousands of love scenes, of course, in books and movies." And in people's minds, he knew as well as I, but I didn't mention that source of information. "Is it the same for us as for humans?"

"Physical love is a very powerful thing. You know humans often have many partners, and some of us choose that lifestyle as well, but strong emotions can change us permanently. It's not something to be taken lightly. But you don't need to worry about that. Bella has already changed you completely, nearly as much as she herself will be changed someday."

Another twinge of guilt—no, a stab of guilt ran through me at the thought of suffering Bella would have to endure then and of the utter finality of this step. But at least I had succeeded in postponing that day. Even though her physical desires were creating a problem for me, they had also resulted in her agreeing to be my wife and to delay her transformation. There was always a bright side to following Bella's unexpected choices.

"All our senses are heightened, everything is more intense for us than for humans, and that includes physical love. It is like nothing else."

"But then how can I keep her safe?" I asked. I'd seen the aftermath of Emmett and Rosalie's nights myself, many times.

"When I first thought of practicing medicine," he began, "it seemed as impossible and as reckless as this idea might seem. Did I ever tell you about my first attempts to be near patients with flowing blood?"

I saw the memory from more than a century before. Carlisle and his mentor, an older physician, stood in a poorly lit room. On a bed against the opposite wall lay an injured man. I could hear his ragged breathing, see the stained bandages, and smell the fresh blood permeating the air. Carlisle's companion was looking at him anxiously, asking if he felt well.

"I pretended to feel sick at the sight and smell of blood so that I had a reason for entering the room cautiously— and an excuse in case I had to flee." We both smiled. "I was quite unsure of myself at first. But I never did endanger anyone. There were times early on when the scent of blood became too much for me, and I simply left. Always in the forefront of my mind was the imperative to help, to heal, and it was easy to refrain from hurting. I believe it will be the same for you."

I had lived with Carlisle and his extraordinary self-control for so long that I had come to take it for granted. Now I realized there had been a first time for him, too, and he had been nervous. He hadn't always succeeded completely in what he set out to do, but never had he failed completely. I felt marvelously reassured and even optimistic.

"You already have so much practice, Edward," he continued. "You're fully accustomed to being near her, being gentle with her."

_Maybe I _could_ do this_, I thought. "You've always been an inspiration to me," I said, and again, his mind filled with gratification at my affectionate words. "Your story is exactly what I needed to hear. It gives me the courage to try."

I could have said more, but I knew words weren't necessary. I looked into his golden eyes, his loving expression, and he returned my gaze. I could hear that his thoughts mirrored mine. Both of our lives had changed completely and irrevocably when our paths had crossed so many years before. From one point of view, it was the worst day of my existence, the day my soul was condemned to the fire. But from another, I had to admit that my encounter with Carlisle was the greatest good fortune. That day had brought into my life the best man I would ever know, and now our path had led to another person whose love enriched me immeasurably even though I did not and could never deserve it—my Bella. _I love you, son. I'm so happy that you and Bella have found each other. Now our family is complete._


	3. Emmett

_Author's Note: This chapter is shorter, because Emmett is a man of few words (in my mind, at least)._

* * *

My conversation with Carlisle had calmed my worries to an amazing extent. Still, it would be prudent to consult my brothers as well. For decades I was an unwilling but captive witness to the passion in their relationships. I saw the way they looked at my sisters, their wives. I'd seen them embrace. And, of course, I couldn't help being aware of their memories and fantasies. I'd heard that young human males think about sex several times each minute. Vampires can think of many things at the same time, and therefore my brothers could— and **did**— think about it constantly. I was used to the steady stream of images on that topic and tried my best to ignore it. Maybe my brothers' familiarity with physical love was finally going to do me some good.

I seized my first opportunity to speak to Emmett alone, and he could see I was on a mission. _What's up?_ he asked. I quickly filled him in on Bella's acceptance of my proposal. _Awesome!_ _I don't get what she sees in you, but she's cool. _He grinned and started to speak, but my expression stopped him. As I explained what I'd promised in exchange, he immediately began shaking his head in disbelief and disapproval. _What?_ _No way. NO WAY! You'll hurt her. There's no telling what could happen. _

"Emmett," I insisted. "You have to help me figure out a way."

_I only know one way, bro. __**All**__ the way._ He smirked.

"Emmett!" I exclaimed. "That isn't helping!" I was not in the mood for his brand of humor. This was too important to me.

"OK, OK," he said, chuckling. _Poor kid. He'd do anything for her. But he doesn't know what it's like._

"That's why I'm talking to you."

_Very interesting_, he thought. _Usually we're all turning to Edward to find out what's going on. Now he needs advice from me! _

"Yes, Emmett, I need your help. Please." I knew I didn't have to beg. He'd give me any help I needed. But I was grateful, and I wanted him to know it.

"Well, if anyone can do it, you can," he said. "You drank her blood and didn't kill her. That's a good sign."

I waited while he gathered his thoughts. Many memories of his nights with Rosalie flashed through his mind. I really didn't want to look, but I was desperate for information. He frowned at me, noticing my concentration.

"Sorry," I said. "But I really need to know."

"It's OK," he said. "That's what a big brother is for, right? Look, you and I are different. When I hunt, I really get into it. I enjoy the fight. It's just more interesting that way. But you always use just the right amount of force for a clean kill. Know what I mean?"

I nodded. I could see his point. For the first time, I could imagine being able to satisfy Bella— and myself— without the violence that terrified me. I felt a wave of relief.

"Thank you, Emmett!" I said, jumping up. "I'm going to find Jasper now. See if he has any ideas for me."

_Anytime, man._ He smiled broadly as I headed out the door. His memories of Rosalie had him musing about finding her and sweeping her off her feet. To start with.

_Hey, Edward?_ Emmett's thoughts called me back, and I turned in the doorway.

"You're a good guy," he said. "I'm happy for you." _And I'll be even happier when Bella's changed and you can really go to town! _

I rolled my eyes at him and sighed. _That's my brother_, I thought. But I couldn't help smiling as I walked away.


	4. Jasper

Now for Jasper. He and Alice were playing in the woods. It didn't take me long to get there.

"Jasper, can I talk to you? Privately?" I asked. Alice's expression, slightly confused, showed that she didn't understand my purpose. I guessed she hadn't seen anything new in my or Bella's future yet. She immediately began concentrating, and I could see her trying to look ahead.

"What is this about?" she asked, when her visions revealed nothing out of the ordinary.

"I'll tell you later," Jasper assured her.

"No," I declared firmly.

She looked outraged, but she could see Jasper returning to her side and declining to share our conversation. She glared at me.

"I'm sorry, Alice," I said, as Jasper kissed her before joining me. "It's a guy thing." I saw that he soothed her pique, and the irritation in her eyes changed to affection.

"Go ahead, then," she said to both of us. _If you're plotting anything, I'll find out_, she warned me, but her tone was fond, not threatening.

_The river? _Jasper inquired, and I nodded. We'd be well away from the others there.

"What's bothering you?" he asked, as soon as we slowed from a run to a walk. Of course, he could sense my anxiety. For the third time, I broke the news of my "compromise" with Bella. His reaction was pleased and concerned.

"Aren't you surprised?" I asked.

_I can tell how she feels about you, maybe even better than you can. You hear her heart beat faster, but I can feel her enjoyment when you kiss her. And her frustration when you stop!_

"Do you think I can do it?" I asked eagerly. "I already talked to Carlisle and Emmett. They think it's possible."

Jasper's face lit up with the excitement he could feel emanating from me. He wasn't ready to dispense advice. He was reflecting on the emotions that he anticipated experiencing with me. "It's the best feeling in the world," he said. But memories of other pleasures entered his mind, and he quickly corrected himself. "Except for drinking human blood."

Many remembered moments of intense sensation swirled in his thoughts, and he frowned slightly. "But human blood…," he said slowly. He paused for a moment to find the right words. "While you're drinking it, you can hardly think about anything else. It's everything you ever wanted, and you feel absolutely blissful and satisfied. But afterwards or even during, you know it's wrong."

He looked to see whether I understood, and I nodded.

"Making love with your wife, though, is completely right. So maybe that's better."

_Better?_ I wondered. I had feasted on human blood too many times to count, and I had renounced it. I had encountered the scent of Bella's blood, more fiercely compelling to me than anything I had imagined, and I had resisted it. I had even tasted Bella's blood…

Carlisle and Emmett had both referred to my restraint on that occasion. Now, as I shared Jasper's vivid recollections of times he had killed and drank what our bodies craved, that terrible, wonderful memory took over my thoughts.

At the moment her blood crossed my lips, I was basically a wreck. I had spent days and nights in a frenzy of determination, rage and fear. With Carlisle and Emmett at my side, I was able to channel my frantic energy into the goal of finding and destroying the monster who intended to kill Bella.

But all our efforts failed. The enemy eluded all of us, lured Bella to him, and we arrived too late. We were only in time to rip him apart, to hear Bella's screams, to watch her blood pulse from her broken body. I was sobbing with overwhelming grief, horror, despair, fury. Yet Carlisle seemed to think her injuries were not fatal. For a handful of seconds, I was limp with relief and love. Then we realized that he had poisoned her. Battered by so many powerful emotions, I could barely comprehend when Carlisle told me what I had to do.

_Suck the venom back out_. Now terror became my overriding feeling. There was no way I could accomplish that. _You must do it now, or it will be too late._ I felt as if some outside force were taking over my body. I didn't make a conscious decision. I moved as if obeying a command, but the command came from somewhere inside me, from the center of the cold, silent heart that Bella had awoken. I bent my lips to her hand.

At the moment her blood crossed my lips, everything else disappeared. All the negative feelings that had been gripping me vanished completely. My mouth was flooded with the most exquisite nectar, and as I drank, it seemed that the supply was endless. Time had stopped and left me in paradise. The blood was thick, light, sweet, rich. It was full of every wonderful flavor. I could taste every magical drop, each subtly different, each fantastically delicious. My whole body felt like it was glowing from the completeness of this nourishment. I felt like I was flying. Leaping and never landing. _This is heaven_, I thought ecstatically. _I want to stay in this feeling forever. _The thought of heaven reminded me of my angel. In that instant, a tiny but sharp warning impinged on my joy: _I have to stop._ But every cell in my body rejected this new idea. _I never want to stop. _The alarm seemed to get louder. _I'll kill her. _I knew it was true, but the pleasure wasn't letting up. It was still increasing. _I can't stop. I _can't_ stop._

The next moment found me gasping for breath, clutching Bella's hand, shaking as I knelt beside her, savoring the last priceless sip that still filled my mouth. It was over. I had suddenly crashed to earth. I swallowed. I could taste the morphine. I heard her voice faintly. _Stay, Edward, stay with me…_

I had tasted her blood, and it was beyond perfection, and somehow I had stopped. Now Jasper was telling me there was something better than that, and I wouldn't have to deny myself.

I looked up to find my brother waiting patiently as I relived one of the most powerful moments of my existence.

"Do you have any advice for me?" I asked. "I want to make love to Bella. So much. We both want to. You can sense it, I know."

He nodded. _So much in love._ Anyone _could sense it._

"If I hurt her, I will stop. I think… I hope… I _know_ I can do that. And I think, maybe, that won't happen. It doesn't have to be like it is for—"

"Emmett?" he interrupted.

"Are you hearing my thoughts now?" I teased him.

"Just a guess. We both know Emmett!" We laughed. _A man's style in the bedroom is similar to his style on the battlefield, _Jasper mused. _Emmett is direct, very physical, he goes all-out, he aims to overpower any opposition. You're more thoughtful, more observant, more deliberate. You like to spot an opportunity and press your advantage… _

He sensed my tension as I followed his thoughts and chuckled. _Don't worry._ _One way isn't better than the other. I'd back either of you for destroying your opponent _or_ for pleasing your lover._

"OK," I said. I could detect an undertone of worldly amusement in his reassurance, but I still wanted to hear it. I wasn't used to feeling so ignorant compared to my brothers. It wasn't a great feeling, but I reminded myself that I was grateful that I had brothers to turn to with my problem.

"Still, it's going to be very overwhelming, and different than anything I've experienced before, isn't it? That scares me. I don't know how I'm going to handle those new feelings."

"That's my specialty," he said. I could tell that he was infusing me with confidence and calm, but it felt good, just the same.

"Edward, you know how hard it can be for me to deal with my…gift," he smiled ruefully. "It is as much of a curse as a gift at times. Your talent is the same way. A burden as well as a blessing. You've explained that you can tune out and let the thoughts you receive fade to background noise. But strong feelings affect my entire body. I can't ignore them. I can try to avoid them, of course, but sometimes that's not possible. I'll find myself possessed with anger or hatred or grief. Or joy. Strong positive emotions can be as difficult to handle as negative ones."

I knew all this, but I also knew he was leading up to something. He had my full attention.

"You have to be very careful when you're in the grip of powerful feelings. They will emerge one way or another. If you let these feelings build up, you _will_ get out of control," he warned.

"Think about a battle. Why does a warrior shout or snarl or curse as he engages his enemy? When you are so caught up, extreme emotion and excitement are surging inside you, and those feelings burst out. That doesn't detract from the attack. It permits a fighter to increase his focus."

I listened as if my life depended on it. Because it did.

"If it's getting to be too much, don't try to fight it. You can't stop it or deny it. It's hard to describe, but you need to release the energy rather than let it explode. You have to _feel_ it and find a safe way to express the intensity."

I understood, and I took a deep breath. If it were possible, my heart would be pounding. All of my dreams were coming true. I was going to make Bella my wife, in every sense of the word.

_

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Author's Note: Well, there you have my first piece of fan fiction. It was a lot of fun to write, and I'm happy that people are reading it. I hope you liked it!

I've gone on to write some of Edward's thoughts during the honeymoon. That collection is called "Paradise Lost." So far I've written the first night after Bella falls asleep, the night she had the good dream, and when she told him she was pregnant. By the way, it's not at all explicit. Just suggestive.


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